How to Set Boundaries When You’re a People-Pleaser

A therapist’s guide to setting limits with less guilt — especially during the holidays

If you’re someone who says yes even when you’re exhausted…
…who feels responsible for keeping everyone happy…
…who dreads disappointing people even a little…

You’re not alone. And you’re not broken

People-pleasing is often a survival skill learned early. But when you’re juggling work, family, parenting, emotional labor, and the pressure cooker that is the holiday season?

That same survival skill can quietly pull you toward burnout.

The good news: boundaries are something you can learn.
And they don’t require you to become someone cold, rigid, or “selfish.”
They can be gentle. Clear. Loving. And completely aligned with who you already are.

Let’s walk through how to set boundaries when you’re a people-pleaser — without the guilt spiral.

Why People-Pleasers Struggle With Boundaries (Especially During the Holidays)

The holidays are basically a people-pleaser’s Olympics. School parties, work expectations, extended family dynamics, gift exchanges, travel, hosting, volunteering — it’s a lot.

Many women tell me:

• “I don’t want to let anyone down.”

• “It’s easier if I just do it.”

• “I should be able to handle this.”

• “They’ll be upset if I say no.”

And underneath all of that? A quiet fear that saying no means you’re letting someone down or being “too much.”

In my own life, I’ve noticed how often I used to say yes to every school event, holiday task, or extra request — and then had nothing left for the things that actually mattered to me. I’d skip the simple, meaningful moments (like those holiday traditions I always imagined doing with my kids) because the mental load and the cleanup felt too overwhelming. And a lot of that came from my own perfectionistic-avoidance tendency — if I couldn’t do it perfectly, I’d avoid it completely. That’s the hidden cost of people-pleasing: when you say yes to everything, you quietly say no to the things you genuinely care about.

If that feels familiar, take a breath. Awareness is step one.

A Boundary Isn’t a Rejection — It’s a Recalibration

This is the part many people-pleasers have never been taught:

A boundary isn’t about pushing people away.
It’s about protecting the parts of your life that matter most.

Boundaries help you conserve your limited emotional and mental bandwidth.
They help you show up more fully in the places you actually want to show up.
They help you feel like you again.

Step 1: Notice the Early Warning Signs

Before you can set a boundary, you need to recognize when one is needed.

Common signs you’re slipping into overcommitment:

• Instant yes → later resentment

• Dreading events you technically “agreed” to

• Feeling responsible for everyone’s emotional comfort

• Canceling your own needs but never canceling for others

• Anxiety at the thought of disappointing someone

If your stomach drops or your shoulders tense when someone asks you for something… that’s data. Pay attention.

Step 2: Get Clear on What You Actually Want

People-pleasers often don’t check in with themselves before responding.
It’s automatic. Reflexive.

Before answering:

• Do I genuinely want to do this?

• Do I have the emotional/mental capacity?

• What is this costing me?

• If I say yes, what am I saying no to?

Your needs are not inconveniences.
They are valid and worthy of space.

Step 3: Scripts for Saying No (Without Guilt or Over-Explaining)

Here are simple, kind, therapist-approved ways to set limits:

✔️ “That won’t work for me this week.”

✔️ “I need to pass on this, but I hope it goes well.”

✔️ “I can help with one part, not all of it.”

✔️ “I’d love to, but I’m keeping my schedule lighter right now.”

✔️ “That’s not something I can commit to, but thank you for thinking of me.”

Short. Clear. Compassionate.
Not one of these requires a TED Talk explanation.

And yes — “No.”
is a complete sentence.

Step 4: Expect It to Feel Uncomfortable at First

If you’ve spent years (or decades) prioritizing others, setting boundaries will feel:

•weird
• selfish
• awkward
• anxiety-inducing

This discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong.
It’s a sign you’re doing something new.

You’re rewiring a lifetime pattern — give yourself some grace.

Step 5: Maintain Your Boundaries (Kindly but Firmly)

A boundary isn’t a one-time announcement.
It’s a practice.

You may need to repeat yourself.
You may need to disappoint someone.
You may need to tolerate their feelings while honoring your limits.

That’s okay.
Other people can handle their own emotions.
Your job is to protect your well-being — not their comfort.

Boundaries teach others how to treat you.
More importantly, they teach you how to treat yourself.

You’re Not Alone — Burnout Isn’t a Personal Failure

So many burned-out women believe they “should” be able to handle everything.
But peace doesn’t come from pushing harder.
It comes from creating breathing room — and letting the unnecessary fall away.

As a therapist who works with overwhelmed moms, high-functioning women, and lifelong people-pleasers, I want you to know this:

You’re not weak for needing boundaries.
You’re wise for finally setting them.

And if you’re navigating burnout, perfectionistic avoidance, or holiday overwhelm — you don’t have to do it alone.

If You Need Support Setting Boundaries, I’m Here

I help burned-out women, overwhelmed moms, and people-pleasers learn to rest, regulate, and reconnect with themselves — without shame and without pressure.

If you're in East Cobb, Marietta, or the surrounding area and need compassionate support around boundaries, holiday stress, or burnout, I’d love to connect.

Book your consultation appointment by clicking here.

You deserve boundaries that protect your energy.
You deserve a life that doesn’t require you to overextend yourself to be loved.

Frequently Asked Questions

❓ Why is it so hard for people-pleasers to set boundaries?

Because many people-pleasers learned early that being helpful, agreeable, or self-sacrificing made relationships safer. Boundaries can feel “mean” or “selfish,” even though they’re healthy and necessary.

❓ How can I set boundaries without feeling guilty?

Start small, use simple scripts, and remind yourself that guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong — it just means you’re doing something unfamiliar.

❓ How do I stop overcommitting during the holidays?

Identify your top priorities, say no to lower-priority invitations, protect white space on your calendar, and ask for help where you can. The holidays don’t have to run your life.

❓ What’s perfectionistic avoidance?

It's a form of perfectionism where you avoid tasks because you fear not doing them perfectly. This often leads to procrastination, overwhelm, and missing out on things that matter.